dis(s)

broken birdie wing, can't quite seem to sing...

tasteless

sleeping on the moon and dreaming on the sun
hot cold
hot cold
I like the cold
the heat hurts my life
atoms and explosions
my brain and my heart
stay out of both and fall in the sewer's mouth
he thinks you taste good
but he spits out your soul

the ridiculously talented man of mine painted me the most amazing picture for my bday.

witness:

Friday, February 11, 2011

recent flickers

surved

This might be personal, can you handle it?
oh man, i dunno. i hope so.

Have you ever been called a slut?
maybe? not that i remember.

Do you think somebody's in love with you?
frankie uhdoy

Is it easy to make you cry?
when i was pregnant, yes.

How do you feel when someone kisses you on your forehead?
frankie does every morning. so gay ha

Do you consider yourself lucky?
the extreme

I bet you miss somebody right now?
wifey

I bet you're thinking about someone right now?
i'm watching a baby story, so i'm thinking abt these ppl on the show

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
best ever

Do you tell people you're okay when you're really not?
depends. sometimes i don't like people, so i prefer not to communicate.


Who’s the last person you kissed?
miette's chubba cheeks

Girls are bitches, am I right?
sexist much?

Have you ever felt worthless?
no

Have you ever been on a blinddate?
negatory

When is the last time you saw fireworks?
4th of july, obv

Are you taller than your mom?
about the same height, 5'8. she might be a pinch taller

What are you planning on doing after this survey?
wait for miette to wake up, change her diaper, feed her, rock her back to sleep, possibly nap, repeat... oh and maybe go on a date tonight bc it's mine and frankie's year anniversary. AND mimi is 3 weeks old today.

Next time you will kiss someone?
constantly kissing my family

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
it's possible.

What is bothering you right now?
nothing, i'm just a bit tired.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yezzir. i'm a fast reader.

Lose a best friend lately?
nerp

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
miette aleksi

Did you cry today?
nah sen

Was today a good day?
it's only abt 930, but so far, it's coo

What are you eating for dinner tonight?
hopefully we'll eat at tokyo

What are you listening to?
a baby story and mimi making cutie noises in her sleep

Do you like winter?
yes, i just don't like snow

Do you regret anything?
no, i wouldn't be who i am today if i didnt go through my experiences, good or bad. and i like who i've become.

What are you excited about?
all of miette's "firsts".

Plans for tomorrow?
i'm a homemaker, so i'll be continuing making our home lol. might do some makeup demos with my new shadow sets.

Do you like to cuddle?
not really. frankie does tho. so i give in sometimes.

Do you want to see someone this very minute?
my sister, my wifey

When was the last time you saw your father?
:( rip

Have you ever had pink eye?
gross, yes. when i was jung.

The last CD you listened to, from where did you get it?
i found a butt load of old cds the other day. i think the last one i listened to was jimi hendrix.

When you last got dressed, did you put on your bottoms or your top first?
always bottoms first.

Have you ever dropped your cell phone in the water?
oh, just the toilet bowl.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
yes. but i make it through.

How many months until your birthday?
uno!

Is there someone you want back in your life right this moment?
wife

Who did you last talk to for longer than 10 minutes on the phone?
i really really hate talking on the phone, but probably felicia.

Your thoughts on long distance relationships?
silly

Do you have a best friend?
laur, felicia, devin, frankie, patrick, wackers, xtina, sioux

Who were the last people you ate with?
my mom, frankie, and debbie

Who's your best friend that makes you laugh the most?
lauren

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
maybe in some way? but it isn't a huge impact anymore.

What's a word that rhymes with "tower"?
sour

Did you see Saw 5 in theaters?
no, but i saw it on demand and it was lame

Do you sleep with any stuffed animals?
weirdo

Is your hair up or down right now?
it's actually up. i'm trying to grow it out.

Who was your last missed call from?
lauren, i believe

What are you excited for?
seeing mimi grow up. even though part of me wants her to stay little forever.

the real.

have you ever felt like a train is rolling over your chest?  like you can't breathe and it just won't let up.  i feel like this almost always.  my nerves are shot from this pregnancy.  i'm constantly worrying that something is going to happen to Miette or to me and I won't be able to take care of her.  Meditation hasn't been working.  Migraines have started.  so horribly, that i can't even form words.  my fingers get numb.  and i lose my peripheral vision.  and i lose my lunch, as well.  just another thing to panic about.  I want nothing more than to be blissful with my daughter and just let things be put in god's hands.  it's never that simple with me.  i wish i could truly be a birdie and fly south to rejuvinate myself for like a week, and come back refreshed and free from worry.  i don't think that i'll ever be free from worry.  this is such a bummer of a blog update, but i needed a little ventilation.  deal with it.  i just need to breathe deep.

awakenings

i've been so sick for the past 2 days. bed ridden sick. not fun. i've been eating so healthy, for the most part, during my pregnancy because i want to make sure my baby girl is getting everything she needs while she's a cookin'. but yesterday morning, i fucked up. for some unknown reason, i ate a huge ass chunk of raw cookie dough. i don't know what i was thinking. i just couldn't help myself. and i enjoyed that motherfucker too. (wow, i'm not doing so well at taming my sailor mouth... a goal i want to achieve when Miette is born). anyway, god definitely punished me. that cookie dough did not agree with me in the slightest. yesterday and today was full of horrible nausea and a bit of barfing, too. horrible sleep last night due to it. but, i got to do a lot of writing and reflecting about myself and how i've changed, and i'm thankful for that. so on the bright side of being sick, i realized a lot of things and i don't regret eating myself sick, literally. it was my own fault anyway. gotta be careful when you're pregnant. no fucking around.
but anyway, i am amazed with myself at how much i've changed my life and quit being a dumb ass. i'm so proud of myself. it's not conceit, it's just happiness for myself. i mean, just a year ago, i was a raging alcoholic. didn't really care who i hurt (minus the ones who've always stayed true and the famalama). was literally tearing myself down from the inside out. i was very spiteful. if someone crossed me, i made sure they got it 10x worse. i always had a good heart, but i was just hurting so badly, i didn't care who i hurt in the process.
the past year, i've learned to forgive so many people and most importantly, myself. and getting pregnant is seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me. and i did not want a kid, at all, ever. i was way too selfish to take care of another life. if i had ever gotten pregnant, i would never get an abortion, just because it's not something i could go through, personally... but i definitely would have debated adoption in the past. but god honestly blessed me at the perfect time to get pregnant. and with someone who truly has a good heart, and cares for other people, not just himself. frankie is a god send. seriously. he's different than anyone i've ever dated. i love him so much.
anyway, my point is i'm so happy who i've become and who i'm becoming and who i will become. there are so much more important things going on than holding grudges and confrontation and deceit and purposeful hurt. though i've burned many bridges, to me they are all stepping stones and lessons and i forgive everyone whether they forgive me or not. my heart is no longer burdened. i suggest everyone try to find something in their lives to make them realize they shouldn't sweat the small stuff.

<3

serve me

I found this survey on my facebook, from a little over a year ago. Thought it'd fill it out again. why not?

Are you satisfied with the picture on your ID card?
eh, really could care less. i had mega short hair and a chubby face.

What was the last thing you dropped?
i drop everything, so i don't remember. pregnancy has made me dumb and clumsy.

Who was the last person to give you a piggy back ride?
frankie, but before i got pregnant lol

What are your chances of getting with your crush?
i don't crush.

Where was your first job?
assistant dance teacher and assistant at a hair salon, both around the same time.

Is the song you're currently listening to being sung by a male or female?
beth from portishead <3

Where did you get the shirt that you're wearing?
hnm like 3 yrs ago, when i was living in brooklyn

Who did you last speak to on the phone?
my bestest, lauren

Do your socks constantly mis-match?
never that, huge pet peeve.

Where is your dad from?
northport

Do you enjoy dried fruit?
freeze dried strawburries and raspburries

Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into?
lauren's or my aunt's. i don't remember which bc my memory is shot like that.

Last person you talked to before bed last night?
mom in law

Short hair or longer hair on preferred sex?
depends on the person. i like frankie with short hair.

If someone texted you and said "sex?", what would you say back?
"nah, im good", unless it was frankie. but that'd be weird if he asked for sex that way.

Where were you at 1:00 am last night?
please, i'm asleep by 11 pm every night.

Do you get nervous when someone is angry and yelling around you?
nope, unless it's out of control. and i'd rather not have yelling around my unborn child.

Think about the last compliment you received, what was it on?
yesterday that i look wonderful pregnant, and i'm carrying really well.

When in a car and your at a stop light or something, do you look at people around you?
i have a pretty bad staring problem

When it comes down to it, are you able to filter/control your emotions?
well, i'm definitely more emotional at this point, but i think i have an excuse. no?

Are you your mom's favorite child?
i'm her only

How can people tell if you're in a bad mood?
oh, it's obvious. i don't hide it.

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
sure do

Have the police ever arrived to a party that you were at?
that happened a lot

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
i'm pretty open, i'll usually let them know i'm bothered

Do you have a foul mouth?
yes. trying to tame it.

Do you lick your plate when you're finished eating?
that's not right.

Were you single on Valentine's Day?
oddly enough, i don't think i've ever been single on valentine's day.

What was something you always got in trouble for as a kid?
talking too much and doing my own thing

When's the last time you had a bloody nose?
i get them like once a week. the perks of being pregnant. i'm also blind now, and constantly tired.

What's the last thing you burned yourself on?
cup of tea

What do you prefer skittles or starburst?
fizzy skittles like a muhfuh

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
yeah, i'm not a fan

When you trip, do you get embarrassed or just play it off?
laugh hysterically. i know how to make fun of myself. unless, i am seriously injured.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
of course

Have you ever screamed in the shower?
why come? i sing in there on the daily though.

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
lips, especially if i'm anxious

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty hair?
i have to say, my hair does usually look really good.

What was the last picture you uploaded on photobucket?
who cares? i don't know.

What's the name of your sibling's significant other, and do you like them?
mandi's fiance is named dean. i like him.

Would you rather have a smoothie or milkshake?
smoothie 24/7. i make them so good. jamba juice has nothin on me.

Do you hate it when you go over someone's house and do absolutely nothing?
if i was in the mood to do something, fer sher

What is on your bed right now?
blankets, pillows, my boppy pregnancy pillow, journal, clicker

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
toothache

Are you jealous of your siblings?
envy is a sin

How old were you when you first realized what sex was?
4th grade? and i still think it's gross.

How much longer until your birthday?
5 months. my babygirl will be almost 2 months! crazy

Last time you smiled because you got a text? What did it say?
last night. my mom in law is the sweetest.

What's the best thing that happened to you today?
woke up not in pain, made a chai latte, and did prenatal yoga. good morning.

Has anyone said you have changed lately?
yes, a lot of people. for the better. i've turned my whole life around. i have this little bun in my oven to thank.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive and forget?
always forgive, but it's hard to forget.

Have you ever tried Gatorade?
am i alive?

How long should a couple be together before saying the L word?
when they feel it... but a lot of people do rush that shit. i've definitely been guilty of rushing it too, but i know better now.

Is there really ANYTHING enjoyable about Winter?!
less humidity = good hair. oh, plus i enjoy winter clothes.

Would being in the woods at night freak you out?
if i was alone, maybe

When is the last time you wore a dress?
yesterday. i wear dresses most of the time. they're the most comfortable right now.

Do you talk to your friends about your *very personal* life?
i'm an open book

Do you wish people would just be confident enough to open up?
some people, otherwise i could give a shit

Do you own a video camera? What about a webcam?
web camera

Favorite thing to see at the zoo/aquarium?
sea lions, walrus, monkey

Was your first kiss special?
haha nah, it was spin the bottle

Do you try to find the beauty in everyday, average people?
lately, yes. it wasn't always like that.

What's your natural hair color?
very dark brown

Which celebrity do you want to marry?
jeff buckley, if he was still alive. maybe portia de rossi or amanda blank.

Has one of your best friends ever moved away?
yes, my bestest, but she moved back :)

Is it okay for someone your "talking" to to have sex with some one else?
not at this point.

Have you ever been called a bitch?
of course. and i definitely was one.

Does it annoy you when people say they'll call but never do?
only if i need to talk to them, otherwise, i hate the phone.

Have you ever had stitches?
yes like 10x

Do you wear makeup?
uh huhs, but much less than i used to. really only mascara and blush.

Do you think you are a good person?
i can honestly say that i've become a good person. i definitely fall off sometimes, but i'm working on it.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a friend's shoulder?
i was probably drunk

If someone is doing something that pisses you off, do you tell them?
100% of the time.

Has anyone ever said to you, "You're going down the wrong path"?
oh how clueless i was

Have you ever cried during a movie?
always

Any current scabs or bruises?
i have a lovely bruise on my face from like 10 novocain shots yesterday.

Ever tripped over your own feet?
yeah, more often since being preg.

How long has it been since you took vitamins?
i take them every night. prenatal.

Would you consider permanent make-up?
no. just normal tattoos. lots of them.

What do you think is the perfect age to start having children?
when you're ready and have enough loot and with someone who is down. i think i'm at the perfect age. 26.

Are you saving your money for any big purchase right now?
just saving, in general. to take care of Miette Aleksi Santoriello.

What's your favorite color gummy bear?
clear haribo

Ever go camping?
not so much a fan, only bc i need to shower like a normal person. i do like getting dirty and roughing it, but not for 2 days straight.

Do you have a tan?
faded

What color is your watch?
i despise watches. you'll never see me wearing one.

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my new boots, one of my blazers, my yellow freestyles, and my dunks

Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
that doesn't matter.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
that's lame

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
care not

Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it?
hahahahahaha yes actually, and i tattooed it on them, just for fun. they got it covered.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
nope, it's an amazing asymmetrical cut that my girl tara did. the right side is just below my collar bone.

Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
i hate tongue rings. i finally got mine out. so gross.

If you go through your inbox what name do you see the most?
haha lots of baby and pregnancy emails

Would you ever get matching tattoo's with anyone?
i have before, i will again

Do you have any famous cousins?
nah

Are you a vegetarian?
i like chicken way too much

What did you do today?
we went over this.

<3

heartwork

your wings turned black today
but you're still in my heart
get out
get out
get out
i love you
when your wings fall off
you'll still be in my heart
i hate you.

just saying...

you could write a poem about her eyelashes alone.

<3

calm like a bomb

yesterday was lovely. 

the boyfriend, his friend, and i went bombing... well i just took photos.

frankie threw up a piece for me. birdie. love it.

his friend, who shall remain nameless, made another masterpiece.

here are the flicks and some other randomness.

boyf

b is for birdie

secret spot

all i can see is red, red, red

lazy dunks

through the trees

gnomehome

go tbat way

think outside the box

birdie's lamp shade

.create.

e in the box

done one

done two.. its me

birdi3

meepmeep

impromptu flower pots at Allium shop

i love lil Stevie :0)