awakenings

i've been so sick for the past 2 days. bed ridden sick. not fun. i've been eating so healthy, for the most part, during my pregnancy because i want to make sure my baby girl is getting everything she needs while she's a cookin'. but yesterday morning, i fucked up. for some unknown reason, i ate a huge ass chunk of raw cookie dough. i don't know what i was thinking. i just couldn't help myself. and i enjoyed that motherfucker too. (wow, i'm not doing so well at taming my sailor mouth... a goal i want to achieve when Miette is born). anyway, god definitely punished me. that cookie dough did not agree with me in the slightest. yesterday and today was full of horrible nausea and a bit of barfing, too. horrible sleep last night due to it. but, i got to do a lot of writing and reflecting about myself and how i've changed, and i'm thankful for that. so on the bright side of being sick, i realized a lot of things and i don't regret eating myself sick, literally. it was my own fault anyway. gotta be careful when you're pregnant. no fucking around.
but anyway, i am amazed with myself at how much i've changed my life and quit being a dumb ass. i'm so proud of myself. it's not conceit, it's just happiness for myself. i mean, just a year ago, i was a raging alcoholic. didn't really care who i hurt (minus the ones who've always stayed true and the famalama). was literally tearing myself down from the inside out. i was very spiteful. if someone crossed me, i made sure they got it 10x worse. i always had a good heart, but i was just hurting so badly, i didn't care who i hurt in the process.
the past year, i've learned to forgive so many people and most importantly, myself. and getting pregnant is seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me. and i did not want a kid, at all, ever. i was way too selfish to take care of another life. if i had ever gotten pregnant, i would never get an abortion, just because it's not something i could go through, personally... but i definitely would have debated adoption in the past. but god honestly blessed me at the perfect time to get pregnant. and with someone who truly has a good heart, and cares for other people, not just himself. frankie is a god send. seriously. he's different than anyone i've ever dated. i love him so much.
anyway, my point is i'm so happy who i've become and who i'm becoming and who i will become. there are so much more important things going on than holding grudges and confrontation and deceit and purposeful hurt. though i've burned many bridges, to me they are all stepping stones and lessons and i forgive everyone whether they forgive me or not. my heart is no longer burdened. i suggest everyone try to find something in their lives to make them realize they shouldn't sweat the small stuff.

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